Over the weekend, C and I celebrated being together for six months. It was great for both of us. I think we both have felt “lucky in love” since we started dating and things have been going really well, but reaching a six month milestone meant something to us. It meant we weren’t just in a honeymoon phase of our relationship but that we both made it through meeting each other’s parents, extended family, going to weddings together, getting into arguments with each other and realizing we both want to make it work.
Photo booth! #RomeroWeddingWonderland #funnyfaces A photo posted by Lisa Kerr (@thereallisakerr) on
I find it hard to blog about my relationship for a variety of reasons. It’s incredibly intimate and I don’t want to expose it to the world of internet comments and everyone’s two cents (good or bad). We’re normal people who love each other a whole lot, but that doesn’t mean the most intimate moments we share should be featured here. Also, we aren’t perfect. We’ve been known to argue with the best of them and have moody days. Everyone does and I think that’s another reason very few people should actually give instructions on how to have a good relationship. I certainly don’t want to and I certainly don’t want to blog about our bad days. They’re private. We work through them. And sometimes they’re silly like are we going to watch Star Wars or The Golden Girls. But don’t think we don’t get down with those arguments, because we do.
I think at the root of why I don’t want to blog much about my relationship isn’t about my relationship with my boyfriend at all; it’s about my complicated feelings about past relationships and how, before I met C, I didn’t think I’d ever fall in love or find someone I would be happy with. I was the single, independent girl whose relationships didn’t last past six months (I broke off many of them because we weren’t a good fit). I had multiple conversations with my parents about how I probably wouldn’t get married or have kids unless I got a sperm donor.
I watched “The Back-up Plan” way too much.
I think at the root of my doubts that I would ever find someone right for me was the feeling that all those past ex-boyfriends were right when they pointed out some flaw in me that made me unloveable to them. Of course, this isn’t what I believe about myself and I don’t think I’m truly unloveable. I believe those men were just as flawed as me and we weren’t a good fit for each other. And I guess I’m breathing a sigh of relief that they weren’t right and I really am loveable. Ultimately, even though I don’t believe it’s true, sometimes I feel the sting of how often my past relationships didn’t work out and how often I blamed myself.
Even though I wasn’t at fault.
At the heart of every woman’s insecurities (and every man’s) is the belief that we aren’t good enough. We believe this no matter how much we fight it or how much we put on a front that we don’t. Narcissists are of course exempt from this, but I’ve been observing conversations between women (and between men) for years. I’m often like the “anthropologist of Facebook groups.” I’ve been listening to countless women tell their story of feeling unsexy, unloveable, not good enough, not successful enough, or blaming themselves for relationships ending.
We all share the same fears.
And mine are deeply rooted just as yours probably are, but leading up to our six month anniversary, I had the fear that he would leave me like the others had and find a reason why I wasn’t good enough for him. I told him that once and when he held me tight as I cried, I knew that he didn’t agree with what had been said to me before.
So when we hit the 18th of this month, I got a little more than a little excited and I really was just happy to be spending the day with the person I loved. It really didn’t matter what we did or how we celebrated (we went fishing and had a picnic at a nearby park with my mom and the dogs), we were together. We were in love. We had each other.
Of course we also celebrated with dinner and wine a few nights earlier. Afterall, C is one of the best chefs I know and this meal was absolutely divine.
A photo posted by Lisa Kerr (@thereallisakerr) on